Will You "Go" With Me?

So, let's start with the present... because there's no better time, right?

I am currently in the throws of making plans with my 8th grade, ex-boyfriend for 4 different trips, across the country, in the next 3 months.  Did I mention that until last week I hadn't seen him in 8 years? Oh, I left that part out? Well let me back this bizarre interaction up a bit...

In middle school I fell hard for a boy. Let's call him, Chicago. We slow danced at someone's birthday party, (I was wearing my baby pink spaghetti-strap tank over a white Gap tee... who wouldn't want to dance with me?) "leaving room for Jesus" of course, and I was hooked.

That spring our moms chauffeured us around as we met up at each others middle school track meets, the movies, & copious 14-year-old events. That summer traveled to the beach, and took long "romantic" walks {read: we held hands}.

We played together, prayed together, and just generally enjoyed each others company non-stop that summer. We tearfully parted for our respective summer camps & as he puts it wrote "steamy" letters to each other... I think they probably said things like "I like you." & "I like you, too."  My birthday comes at the end of the summer and he gave me the coveted James Avery heart charm on a thin silver chain. Swoon.

A few months later, high school began and with it came all the "new experiences" {read: girls} that high school brings - by September Chicago had found someone new. 

{Side-note: this girl was a teenage Ralph Lauren model at the time. I guess I felt like if was going to loose a boy - it might as well be to a girl with her picture in Vogue... couldn't be too upset with that.}

We kept up through high school, ran in similar circles, and there were very few - if any - hard feelings.  For the most part, I thought of him fondly. Sad we broke up, but not in that bitter angry way. More in that, "Hey, I miss you, bud" vein.

Fast forward 8 years... May 2010. Facebook message: "{yada yada yada}... ran into your parents... {blerg}... hope you are well... {stretching}... is this still your phone number?"

Speechless. What the… ? How did he…? Why now?

I ignored the message. We can go into all of the analytical reasons as to why I would do that, but I think it boiled down to the fact that this was the first (and truly only) boy I had ever deeply cared about. Surely responding would do nothing but leave me a little disappointed. So I was quiet.

Until, one day about two months later I felt a nagging pull that is was time to be kind, not read more into the situation than was there, and respond.

July 2010. FB response: "Yes. that is still my number, would love to catch up."

Long story short, he called. We caught up. Made plans to visit. And are still enjoying each others company tremendously.

So, where is this going? I don't know. Chicago was and has been my "it" for approximately 12 years. The one that everyone else gets compared to. The "bar-setter" if you will. I feel like I should be nervous - every inclination in my body wants to be anxious about my lack of control in this situation. I'm sure, though, (even if I forget daily) that my God is who He says that He is.

{Then Moses said to God, "If I come to the people of Israel and say to them, 'The God of your fathers has sent me to you,' and they ask me, 'What is his name?' what shall I say to them?" God said to Moses, "I AM WHO I AM." And he said, "Say this to the people of Israel, 'I AM has sent me to you.'" God also said to Moses, "Say this to the people of Israel, 'The LORD, the God of your fathers, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob, has sent me to you.' This is my name forever, and thus I am to be remembered throughout all generations. Exodus 3:13-15}

{It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. Deuteronomy 31:5-9}

{Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:5-7}

That last passage has become my daily mantra over the past few years of my dating career - usually focusing on the last part of that passage - that I am to talk to God, tell Him what's bugging me or what feels out of control, and allow His peace to guard my heart.

But this morning I read, almost as if for the first time, "the Lord is at hand." He is at hand - he is here. He knows my tendencies of desiring control (and my fear of losing control). He knows I'm scared of getting hurt. He knows I feel like I'm within inches of the man I've wanted for the past 12 years but I feel like I'm simultaneously (cynically) waiting for the "bottom to fall out." But the Lord is at hand. All I have to do is keep talking to Him. Keep being honest with myself, with my friends, and with Him… and allow His peace to permeate every fiber of my being.

There is a commentary available online {Matthew Henry's Concise Commentary on the Bible} that has some great thoughts on this passage in particular:

"When any thing burdens our spirits, we must ease our minds by prayer; when our affairs are perplexed or distressed, we must seek direction and support. We must join thanksgiving with our prayers and supplications. We must not only seek supplies of good, but own receipts of mercy. Grateful acknowledgments of what we have argue a right disposition of mind, and are prevailing motives for further blessings. Prayer is the offering up of our desires to God, or making them known to him: Let your requests be made known to God. Not that God needs to be told either our wants or desires; for he knows them better than we can tell him: but he will know them from us, and have us show our regards and concern, express our value of the mercy and sense of our dependence on him. The effect of this will be the peace of God keeping our hearts, the peace of God, that is, the comfortable sense of our reconciliation to God and interest in his favor, and the hope of the heavenly blessedness, and enjoyment of God hereafter, which passeth all understanding, is a great good than can be sufficiently valued or duly expressed. This peace will keep our hearts and minds through Christ Jesus; it will keep us from sinning under our troubles, and from sinking under them; keep us calm and sedate, without discomposure of passion, and with inward satisfaction. 'Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on thee (Isaiah 3).'"
 
So, will we date, get engaged, and be married? Maybe. Will we break up next week? Maybe. (But I sure hope not so I can make the ski trip at the end of December…) Either way - the Lord is at hand and the question at the end of every day is: "Do I believe that the Lord is who he says that he is?" and "Do I trust that he is good to me in my singleness and in my relationships?"

Yes.

- George's Girl